LMA Hall of Fame Interview
season expectations (part.ii)
Here’s part two of my (satirical) season predictions… even if a few of these are bound to happen forreal.
10. Borrusia Dortmund wins the Bundesliga by 20+ points. Louis van Gaal blames the bad pitch, the bad weather, the bad referees, the bad fans, the bad traffic, and everything else he could come up with and claims there is a conspiracy against Bayern Munich in the Germany.
9. The Scottish Premier League is cancelled for the rest of the season due to heavy snowfall. Rangers fans celebrate an Old Firm (that never took place) victory because their half of Glasgow got more snowfall than Celtic’s.
8. AC Milan is leading 4-0 at half time against Tottenham in the 1st leg of the last 16 of the Champions League. In the second half, Gareth Bale dribbles past the entire Milan outfield before firing past Abbiati… 4 times. His dribbling is so fast that many Milan fans mistake him for Kaka and accuse Tottenham of secretly fielding the Brazilian at San Siro.
7. Miroslav Klose scores 2 goals in 30 appearances for Bayern Munich for the rest of the year. With the German national team, he scores at a ratio of 1.5 goals per game for the rest of the EURO 2012 qualification, tying Gerd Muller’s all-time record in the process. The day before EURO 2012, he injures his head (his only viable way of goalscoring) and is ruled out of the tournament. He announces his international retirement the day after. Cruel world.
6. Manchester United concedes 4 goals in all of January, February, and March. They remain on top of the Premier League and reach the quarter-finals of the Champions League. In April, both Nemanja Vidic and Dimitar Berbatov are injured. They are dumped out of the title race and the Champions League as Wayne Rooney fails to replace Berbatov and Johnny Evans scores 12 own goals.
5. Rafael Benitez is re-hired as Liverpool manager replacing the abysmal Roy Hodgson. Benitez spends 80 million on bringing Sulley Muntari, Javier Saviola, and Karim Benzema to Anfield. All 3 players are voted the Top 3 Flops of the Season. Liverpool finish 17th, just avoiding relegation by goal difference. Benitez remains the Liverpool coach for 4 more seasons because he knows how to “grind out results”
4. AC Milan wins the Scudetto after Zlatan Ibrahimovic scores the winning goal on the last day of the season. The following season, Ibra flops terribly and is sent on loan to Fenerbahce. After a successful start to life in Istanbul, Ibra signs permanently for the Turkish club and calls it his “dream team” and vows to stay there until retirement. Ibra plays for 18 different teams before finally retiring with a Swedish second division team.
3. Manchester City finish 4th place and qualifies for the Champions League. To prepare for next season’s European adventure, the owners spend 400 million on players like Fernando Torres, Edin Dzeko, Nuri Sahin, and Neymar while throwing out players like David Silva, Yaya Toure, Vincent Kompany, and Adam Johnson. They just squeeze their way through to the last 16 of the Champions League before being dumped 8-1 on aggregate by Barcelona.
2. Jose Mourinho learns his lesson and fields an 8-1-1 (Mesut Ozil as the lone midfielder and Cristiano Ronaldo as the lone striker) formation against Barcelona in the 2nd edition of the Clasico. Real Madrid wins 1-0 after Ricardo Carvalho scores from a set piece. Cristiano Ronaldo goes one step further by slapping Pep Guardiola by the sideline. Sergio Ramos, after a few lessons from teammate Xabi Alonso, performs a kung-fu roundhouse kick on Lionel Messi.
1. Ronaldo retires. A testimonial match is held where his current and former teammates play in a friendly. Romario scores during the testimony and claims he has finally scored his 1,000th goal. Robinho, Ronaldinho, and Adriano, who were all set to attend the game, do not show up because they have “missed their flight”
Real Madrid pondering cut-price swoop for Bayern Munich striker Miroslav Klose
“
| — | according to el Mundo Deportivo |
